Blue Boy - "Does it ever work out with adulterers?"

by Doug
(El paso, TX united states)

Why are so many cops divorced?


When I first joined the force I always pondered that urban myth and figured out that it is no myth. I googled stats and found that approx. 80% of police officers have had at least one divorce. Answers as to why could fill a book, so I won't even go there. All I can do is tell my story.

I chose this site because I have not confided my infidelity to any other living soul. Maybe I feel guilty, or just need to unload, or want to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this. In any case here is my story. I know that I deserve all the slings and arrows that come with it.

I have been having an affair with another woman for the past 7 months. We are coworkers and she had just been divorced for 6 months prior to our affair.

She is also 12 years younger. It started out like every other work affair. We started off as coworkers then became friends.

We started flirting and then when I was absolutely sure she was into me did I ask "is this gonna happen or not?".

She knew what I was talking about and we setup some ground rules. Just physical and no hurt feelings. Either person could call it off at anytime. The next thing you know we had sex.

Not that this is any excuse for what I did, but here is some background. I have been married for 9 years. We have no children. I was involved in a shooting 3 years ago and frankly it has changed me. Or so my wife said. I've become more dark and cynical and virtually nonemotional.

I've been to counseling for it and frankly all the counselors do is preach forgiveness. For what this man did, there is no forgiveness.

At least from me. So basically I'm not the man my wife married as she has told me several times. I don't talk about work with my wife because if she knew what I did on a daily basis, she would worry herself to death.

Our sex life is virtually non existent and we have both tried different things to improve it with no avail. Like I said, these are not excuses for why I cheated.

Now about the OW. She is younger and very attractive. But more importantly she can listen and understand what I go through on a daily basis and vice versa. We always have fun together and were immediately attracted to each other since the first day we met.

We talked and talked endlessly for the first couple of weeks. Then it turned to flirting. Then I let it go too far and it became serious talk about having sex.

The first nite togrther i was so nervous and the first thought that came into my head when the door shut was Run! But I didn't. We just made out to test the waters.

I guess a bite at that apple was all it took because the next nite together we went all the way and it was intense.

Fast forward a month and we were even closer than before. We decided that feelings were starting to form so we broke it off for a month.

We still saw each other at work and talked about everything. We both decided that we still wanted each other.

Fast forward 6 months and we are still seeing each other. We broke all of our rules and are in love with each other. I have given it much thought and soul searching, it's not a fling, we both care about one another deeply.

I guess what I want out of this forum is advice from someone who's been there. Does it ever work out with adulterers?

We have talked about the future and are both uncertain. I have not had the fortitude (or morals) to tell my wife.

It would devastate her. I know, I should of thought of that before starting an affair. Is there light at the end of the tunnel or did I create my own nightmare?

Comments for Blue Boy - "Does it ever work out with adulterers?"

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cowards
by: daisyj

all cheaters are cowards and very selfish. Just think, a cheater thinks "I want to
have an affair. The other person is married and/or knows he/she is married and goes ahead with this. next question is . . . are you dealing w/ a reputable person? .**** no!The spouse is getting a liar and a cheat andis wondering what the *** is going on.The spouse has invested time and money in this relationship and gets meaness thrown at them. I only hope what goes AROUND comes around is true.

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Be Gentle
by: Anonymous

It really hurts when your husband cheats and then falls in love with another. If a man finds that he no longer have feelings for his wife he should get a divorce first then find another. It hurts more when you stay and ignore the wife or verbally abuse her, starting a fight which is an excuse to leave the house to be with your lover. Be in love when you marry..not in lust..that doesn't last I wish the husband could understand that she is still in love with you. But you act as though you hate her. Don't run..tell her you are sorry to hurt her. Be as kind as you can toward her, please. Husbands, she is feeling a pain she's never felt before. She doesn't know how to handle it. She needs some form of comfort which she can't get from you anymore(her knight in shining armor.)

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Shame on You!
by: Anonymous

I'm in a marriage right now where I think my husband might be cheating on me. There has been emotional distance for quite some time. I too think it might be someone he works with. What this has done to me I can't even explain the hurt i have gone thru. I even spent many months seeing a psychologist, he has lied, and broken my heart in more ways that I can even explain. Did your wife ask about work, did she ask if you needed or wanted anything or did YOU just choose to make excuses to TALK with someone else? If you are so in "love" with this other woman be a real man and fess up and take everything that goes with it. For a cop your're lacking a lot of courage! You never did say what was so wrong with your wife. You had a woman that cared about you and didn't give one thought about how this could hurt her? Thank god there are no children. You cheating husbands have got to realize once and for all you don't always hurt just one person. Hope you can keep some of your friends, don't be surprised if they turn on you. Tell your wife! How dare you do as you please and string her along! I wish her all the best! I hope she finds someone that can truly love her. Let her get on with her life and stop being so selfish!

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Shame on You!
by: Anonymous

I'm in a marriage right now where I think my husband might be cheating on me. There has been emotional distance for quite some time. I too think it might be someone he works with. What this has done to me I can't even explain the hurt i have gone thru. I even spent many months seeing a psychologist, he has lied, and broken my heart in more ways that I can even explain. Did your wife ask about work, did she ask if you needed or wanted anything or did YOU just choose to make excuses to TALK with someone else? If you are so in "love" with this other woman be a real man and fess up and take everything that goes with it. For a cop your're lacking a lot of courage! You never did say what was so wrong with your wife. You had a woman that cared about you and didn't give one thought about how this could hurt her? Thank god there are no children. You cheating husbands have got to realize once and for all you don't always hurt just one person. Hope you can keep some of your friends, don't be surprised if they turn on you. Tell your wife! How dare you do as you please and string her along! I wish her all the best! I hope she finds someone that can truly love her. Let her get on with her life and stop being so selfish!

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yes it can
by: Anonymous

I am living proof that it can, if both people are willing to commit and leave behind the bheaviors and emotional baggage that led them to a situation to cheat in the first place. Heal yourself and support each other and you can make it work.

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No hope
by: Anonymous

No, it doesn't work out with cheaters because once a cheat, always a cheat

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