In my own house..."Its hard treading water..when you feel so all alone"

by Sarah Jane
(Alaska)

My husband and I will have been married for about 9 years...this November. We have always had issues...but only beacause of his lying...secrecy...unfaithfulness. He had always said..I was overyly jealous, paranoid, I never had "proof" or it was circumstantial evidence...

...Last friday he wanted to have a "co-worker poker night" at our house. I had suspected him messing around on me with his coworker...he denied it as usual but with venem.

After most everyone went home two people stayed behind to drink, a guy and the other "girl". I went upstairs to tuck my son in ...told everyone I was going to sleep, I went down stairs 15 minutes later the house was dark, I walk back towards the garage...light was on and I open the door...to find them both entangled on the dog couch.

Every suspicion I ever had was true and realized in that moment..but not even the courtesy of getting a hotel...my heart my life was torn from me that moment...the next morning..I felt a sense of freedom...that I had lost. The days following have had the usual fighting...heartache..lonelyness..abandonment..rage. But I think this had to happen so I could finally find happiness with someone that truly cares and loves me...

Makes me laugh because he loves my smile. The thing is...she's a meth head...I do not nor have I ever done drugs...or my husband. He chose someone that was easy because he wanted a quick lay.

I am very pretty...not superficially either...I am honest, strong, and naturally pretty...and he took away my self worth in that one moment...

Its hard treading water..when you feel so all alone. But I keep thinking eventually I will find the man I was supposed to meet...and feel that much more gratification for doing so...

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...I now know hate. Perhaps in the future I will know love, and trust...we shall see.