Confused-Am I in denial?

by Julie
(California)

It is no secret my marriage has been falling apart. I know I am to blame too...It takes two. Since he has been drinking heavily for over two years now it has been near impossible to talk to him. I just shut down, and hid in my room every night to avoid conflict. He has been sleeping on the coach ever since. Not because I have banished him there but because he passes out and stays there.


Just recently, my husband demanded that I perform a sex act on him and it enraged me so much that it turned into a fight. He said that if I am not going to do it then he needs to find someone else who will. Like an escort or someone from a bar. I did not give in. That comment only made me think about what he was saying. He was telling me that I am not filling his needs to he is going else where to get it.

Then the trust went down the toilet. I started looking in his e-mail account and found that he was on dating websites from a few months back(Plus porn sites, but that is par for the course). He was stating in his profile that he was "single". I also checked his cell phone and googled all the numbers that I did not reconise. Nothing came up. I looked in his web history on his cell phone and found that he was on more dating websites and more porn of course. I tried to track him by going on to the new websites and found that I could not find him. In order to track him you have to sign up so I tried to be as generic as I could and not be a red flag for every man in the county to e-mail me. Truly I am discused by these sites. They give advise about how to cheat on a spouse and not get caught. Also my husband has banned me from his facebook page, created new e-mail accounts and sent a naked picture of himself to his e-mail account.

Well I should not have do so on my smart phone wifi because my husband was able to see all activity on the network at home. He hacked into my e-mail account and I thought that I had closed all the accounts to the websites that I had to sign up for (to look for him), but I had two e-mails in there from memebers seeking me. I noticed that he forwarded the e-mails to himself. I deleted that e-mail account. I am truly feeling sick about this situation.

Now he is showering me with attention, and at the same time hacking into anything he can of mine so he can get information. Well I really have nothing to hide, so I guess that does not matter much.

What should I do about the possible cheating? I know the signs are there:
-Blocked from Facebook, secret e-mails, naked pictures of himself, moody, constantly taking off to go to the "store" "get gas", tells me constantly "it is none of your business".

Anyone have any advise?

Comments for Confused-Am I in denial?

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Dump him
by: Anonymous

This one is never going to improve until he hits the rocks. Do not enable him any longer. Throw him out and let him chase the fatties a while. When they turn him down his confidence just might take the hit he needs to finally get the help he so desperately needs.

You do not deserve his emotional abuse one moment longer. Throw him out until he comes to his senses. Then make him earn you back.

He has had things far too easy and you have had things far too hard.

Same - "He then told me he was going to get it somewhere else if not from me"
by: Anonymous

My Husband also had a heavy drinking problem He was always angry with me. I left him and after 3 months he quit drinking and We reconciled. He wanted sex on going.

I was not into it as there was still issues to be resolved. He then told me he was going to get it somewhere else if not from me.

He had rented our home to a lady that later turned out to be a hooker. When I evicted her, she told me she had a great time with him, then she added, twice.

He had denied it but his actions don`t convince me. He got angry when confronted and said surely I gave him more credit than that, his taste was much higher that the likes of her.

Now its like a cloud of distrust, I do not know what to do.

sounded familar untill ....
by: Lori B

I too am in a relationship with a man with a drinking problem, we have been together for 25yrs have raised a child and are suppose to be living the best years? we have vaca prop that I frequent often without him. I started feeling a few years ago that his drinking was getting out of hand and fell into a trap of him creating a issue/fight so he could flee the home. often being gone for afew days.recently he told me while drunk that he had a girlfriend, I didnt know how to react and shut down. he said the next day he did not know why he had said that and had never cheated on me. I became a snoop and began checking his e-mails.one day he left his FB acc open, even though I felt guilty I had to look! there was a message to a female that asked her to call him at work! a few days later I left for our other property feeling crushed,broken and hollow inside.the pain was intense I cryed alot he phoned everyday the first few days then nothing. I phoned and left a few messages, he called 4 days later and said he had been drinking to much and spending too much money and that it needed to change, we needed to change to save our relationship we talked thru the issues he assured me that he had never cheated and that the girl he asked to call him at work was a old school friend and that they never did talk I belived him I told him I was excited to come home and start rebuilding our relationship. the first few days home were amazing then his anger started. you could see he was aggitated. a few days later he was put up for a promotion. I was proud of him and posted a congrats on my FB he phoned me to say wish you had not done that as his boss had not even post I appoligized. the next day he called me from work and asked if I would like to go out to celebrate Iwasn't feeling great so suggested we try for sat? he seemed okay with that.then my son called who was on his way home working 13hrs away and said he had been on the road since 6am but felt we should go out to celebrate that night. we went out had a nice dinner and a few drinks. then my son and his girl left. this upset my guy saying I thought we were going to celebrate. at this point I'd say he had 6-8 drinks. I expressed to him he had been on the road since 6:00 am? we finished our drinks and came home. within min. of being home he became angry over my congrats post on FB ranting and calling me horrible names he stuck his finger in my face and I screamed at him don't you hit me. I'II hit you back! well that did it he hit meI hit him back.he threw me on the floor and I scratched his face. then he left. I havent seen him since nor has his place ofwork.yesterday he called (from a blocked#)to come collect a few of his things. I left.came home where he had left a note stating that he was staying at a guy named Glens. today he called by accident well I called the number back not blocked this time. no answer but the message was "please leave a message for Christina" I feel like a fool!

Denial? Maybe a little bit...
by: Anonymous

Unless he is willing to look at his drinking, that alone will probably drive you apart. It is next to impossible to be in a healthy relationship with an alcoholic.

Also, the trust is gone. If you want to stay in the relationship, you both need to work on it.

Honestly, though, it sounds like he already checked out. Are you sure there is anything left to salvage? Do you think he can truly change? Can you?

I'm not trying to be mean or aggressive, I'm just asking you the questions I would ask myself.

At the end of the day, you are the one that has to live with your decisions, and if you feel it's worth saving, more power to you- and I hope you are successful!

Good luck!

so sorry...it's the same for me
by: Meohmy

So sorry. you are pretty much in the same boat that I am,except I am not married to the man I thought I loved.
Just thinking about what these men want makes me want to throw up.

Denial, yes
by: Anonymous

Yes, he is cheating or is going to cheat. You should both go to counseling.

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