I Am on The Verge of Cheating on My Wife

"Lately I constantly have thoughts about cheating on my wife..."

I Am on The Verge of Cheating on My Wife


I have been married 5 years now. I will first start out by saying how much I love my wife.

I feel very terrible that I am even having thoughts such as this. So how did I get to this place in our marriage.

Over the last few years the sex as decreased more and more as time passed. I am not an overly sex crazed man, but I do enjoy it.

When it began to decrease I patiently waited in hopes that in time it would get back to how it use to be. Well it didn't and in fact it only got worse.

Because it concerned me, I would strategically pick and choose what I thought were "good times" to mention it to my wife. She would always dismiss my comments by answering in a positive manner but very short, but then quickly getting off the subject by saying something like she is tired or something of that fashion.

It has now gotten to this point in which I am now starting to have thoughts of being with someone else. Because I have now become distant from my wife, I have opened the door to this woman that I know is attracted to me and I am very much attracted to her.

I am on the verge of cheating on my wife with this woman. I can not imagine spending the rest of my life in a marriage in which I almost feel as if I have to beg for some affection.

I feel that I am "screaming out to my wife" but for some reason she is not hearing me. I do not think she is with anyone else because I can always reach her and she does nothing to raise my suspicions, but the thought does cross my mind.

I recently had a dream in which I had an intervention with my wife. I brought her out to the living room where my mom, her mom and some guy I didn't was on the coach. I told her that if she didn't start having sex with me, she would lose me. Her mom and mom were behind me and agreed. The dream was much longer than but you get the drift.

That dream is telling me that I am now looking at this situation as if she is an addict ready to lose me.

I am not one to just walk away, but the urges are there and I am on the verge of cheating on my wife if things don't change.

I have deliberately refrained from getting anywhere close to emotionally attached to this woman because I know the detriments and potential consequences if I do.

I am asking for advice from anyone that may have something good to offer.

Comments for I Am on The Verge of Cheating on My Wife

Click here to add your own comments

From your wife's point of view.."wife who has no sexual desire anymore"
by: Barb

You have been getting great advice from everyone. Let me tell you what it is like on the other side. I am that wife who has no sexual desire anymore. I turned my husband away too many times. Well, he finally did cheat and it is devastating.
But I know a lot of the problems started with me. I used the same excuses as your wife. I know that in my case, it was to protect myself from getting hurt. I didn't feel "heard" in my marriage. I felt inadequate in so many different aspects of our marriage and didn't feel like I was really understood when I tried to discuss it. So, I stopped trying to talk and shut down emotionally and physically.
So, ask yourself, are you really listening to her? Are you being the best partner you can be? TALK to her. LISTEN to her. Look into her eyes. HUG her and stroke her hair. Re-establish both the emotional and physical bond with her before it is too late. You are the only one that you can change..but give her the respect and the chance to change herself.
Good luck to you both.

Advice and understanding
by: Anonymous

I understand what you are trying to say. I have been married for 21 years (I married at 17). I too love my husband and would never dream of hurting him. But like yourself I find myself having thoughts of cheating. It's not just about sex,(although he no longer wants it) but the fact he has shut himself off from me. I have tried telling him straight forward that I am worried that I will not be able to resist the temptation. He thinks it's a joke. So I offer this piece of advise to you, marriage doesn't get any easier and if 5 years in you are thinking of cheating that's not a good sign but do yourself and your wife a favor if it ever gets to the point of no return for you and you are going to cheat...leave first! If its a spare of the moment kind of passion tell her immediately don't let her find out some other way I have been on the other side and it hurts more than I can explain. Tell your wife you are not happy. Tell her why you are not happy. If she loves you she'll listen. Good Luck!

be careful
by: Anonymous

Your intervention idea is the best. Be honest and give your wife a chance. If you cheat, you are taking all choices away from her. If you really love her, let her know that you want to heal the marriage and that you are having thoughts that would destroy the marriage. Give her a chance. You might be surprised that she is having similar feelings. Together you should decide your future. Cheating is dispiciple.

You're all full of bull!
by: Anonymous

Take it from someone who has been in the same situation as you - 15-yrs married, wife dismissed advances and all tenderness, totally unresponsive and depressed etc - she's probably already cheated on you! Maybe not physically yet but emotionally? My ex spent too many hours on Facebook w "friends" and treated me like a bear no matter how loving/counseling we did/how hard i tried). 3-years w/o even touching me was pure insanity. Turned out she was living a fairy-tale life w friends (and other guys) on Facebook (or as i call it emotional/social porn for women). It eventually ended when i intercepted an email not meant for my eyes. Point of my story? Everybody needs a dose of reality. Women stop thinking your emotional needs come first and men stop living by your loins. Somewhere in the middle ground lies the solution. Women need sex and men need nurturing too! Reverse your roles people and see how pathetic we all act!!

GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELOR!
by: Anonymous

If you love your wife, love does not cheat.

Seek marriage counseling for both of you. Watch the movie "Fireproof" together and read the book.
So her some affection without strings(sex)attached. Women feel love from their husband not just in the bedroom.

good luck!

Verge of cheating
by: Anonymous

You might try to just hold her and not ask for sex and see if she responds to that with comfort or does she push you away..this could tell you alot..if she accepts it she is still interested and probably does have an emotional issue, if she doesn't accept it then she probably has an issue with you.

try this
by: Anonymous

You are a man and I am a woman so what you need is more sex and i needed more affection. my husband and i have sex at least 3 times a week but i was starving for affection. i was actually daydreaming about hugs from faceless men just to get me through the day. i know this sounds stupid but that is how i am built. i need at least 15 minutes of hugging or snuggling every day. sex does not count. i kept trying and trying to tell him how i felt and he would laugh or just brush me off because he was absolutely not understanding how important and honest i was being with him. the opposite sex will never understand how we feel. that's a fact. i started treating my husband mean because he would not try to understand. i felt so betrayed. like my feelings didnt matter. i finally sat him down and started out by saying that i knew i didnt always understand what he was trying to say either but that he needed to listen and understand just how important this was to my and our marriges well being. i told him i did not want anyone else but him ever!!! but that he was not giving me what i needed to be happy. i told him how sad i was all the time and he finally understood that i was serious. i asked him how sad he would be if i never gave him what he needed to be happy at the end of the day and consider the day a success. i finally got through to him. i pray that you do too. good luck.

hi
by: Anonymous

hi i dun kw u bt bfore gtn into any decision have a talk wid her dun say that i miss having sex bt mk her realize dat u miss her,being round her arm n al those romantic stuff or take her to a second honeymoon. c how things work out even if does not dan u can start thinking bout what you are thinking to but do tell her before you decide to walk out of her life. m saying this coz m too a women so hope these stuff work out fr u. best of luck tc

Medical issue
by: Anonymous

She probably has a problem with low libido, and it's not right for her to have sex when she isn't comfortable.

Before just assuming she's not interested in you anymore, you should see if there's a physical or bio-chemical reason.

You're being very selfish, and if you cheat on her and it turns out she had a medical problem, you are going to feel like utter crap.

If it turns out she really ISN'T interested in you anymore, then have the gumption to break it off before you have sex with anybody else. That's the mature, RIGHT thing to do.

Been there! Wish I would have done this.
by: Matt

I have been married 15 years and now I am seperated and may be headed for divorce.

I was in the EXACT position you are in. Your wife was\isn't meeting your needs. So therefore, you probably are meeting her needs either. I ended up having an emotional affair on again off again for a year. It destroyed my life. My heart and feeling clouded all my judgement. I have always loved my wife but that connection was "cut off" by us not meeting each other for what we needed. It was mostly my fault. I want my marriage to be healed but it is up to my wife now who has been devastated. I pray several times a day for restoration.

I want to recommend two books. Both are easy reads and say things that we can't say to each other. They are For Men Only and For Women Only. I learned a lot about myself reading the one for women. It articulated how I felt and what I needed. The For Men Only is a real eye opener!

Buy them NOW! Before you stumble.

FORGET IT!!!!!!!!!
by: Anonymous

Just remember that if you do and she finds out all trust goes out the window, she will never trust you again, and a marriage can not survive
without trust. And really the grass is never greener on the other side! To meet someone new is exciting ( AT FIRST ) but that gets old to! Try something different like bring your wife home a flower and tell her how beautiful she is, that always makes a woman feel good and puts you back up there.

Its great that you are asking for advice pre-cheating
by: Anonymous

Hi

First off I want to say that I think it is admirable that you are seeking help to keep you from doing what you know is not right BEFORE you succumb. I was cheated on by my husband (soon to be ex) and the pain that was caused by his betrayal is indescribable. I had never been hurt as deeply by anyone or anything before. ABSOLUTE ANGUISH.
If you are thinking of cheating, it is probably only a matter of time before you slide down that slippery slope, unless you take away the vulnerability for it. The only way to do that is to:
1. Confront your wife and be absolutely honest with her. Tell her about what you are feeling. This way you will bring the secret out into the open, thus greatly decreasing your chances of acting on it. Tell her you want to go to counselling. Tell her that you love her and want to do everything you can to keep your vows and continue to cherish her. Impress upon her that you are unhappy and are scared about what you might do. Have an honest conversation. She will likely be furious with you for having the thoughts, but just imagine the fury at discovering that you turned your thoughts to action...Is it worth losing your marriage and your self-respect? Even if you divorce, is it worth so completely damaging another's (your wife's) world? Betrayal is shattering. It is painful, and devastating and will also attack your wife's self esteem. I have had to fight my way back to normal to restore my peace and self-esteem since the betrayal and it is not been pleasant. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy, let alone someone I love.
2. Divorce her. This I do not recommend, since you love her.

Again, I think it is admirable that you are seeking help. I think your wife is lucky to have you. I hope you keep it that way.

Communication
by: Anonymous

It sounds like you are not paying attention to her needs either. Are you really listening to your wife or to your penis?

What You Might Want To Do
by: Anonymous

One of the inherent risks of getting married is what you want at 25 won't be what you want at 30. Life is too short to waste time with someone who more than likely is no longer interested. I say this as the lack of interest in sex from your wife is a telling clue. If no children are involved you should seriously think of getting divorced and moving on.

life is tough
by: amy

I'm hoping u tried to resolve the problems with ur wife. I understand how u feel. Very hard to understand why we do wh*t we do. Or want what we can not have. I do believe the best advice I could give u is pray it works out. Know god will see you through this I promise. If you need to talk email me. A_collins75@hotmail.com. just don't do what I'm doing worrying about what is wrong with me. Know that this problem probably will resolve itself over time. I've been married for 15 years believe me I've been down the sane road. It doesn't make things bettter u will feel worse about urself.

Verge of Cheating
by: 2late4me

I have to say that I agree with Kelli's response to you. Please use all resources available to find a solution.

There could be many possible reasons for your wife's disinterest in intimacy. It could be medical or psychological, but there is a reason to be found, someplace.

Ask her to seek advice from a physician and consult a marriage councelor. Sex may not be something to fully base a relationship on but it is still very important to any marriage.

Even the simplest fling can be extremely hurtful for all parties. But imagine becoming much more involved than you had originally intended; it happens way too easily and it hurts 10 times worse. It's so difficult to get out of something after the hearts have already connected. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets.

I understand the loneliness, believe me- it can become extremely depressing. But there are better ways to fix things together.

I wish you the best of luck.
~C

"you are feeling inadequate as a man and husband when she shuns your advances..."
by: Anonymous

Since you started with saying how much you love your wife, I think it's crucial to talk to her and tell her how you feel.

Explain you know she is tired (or whatever common reasons she gives you)and you understand. Touch her, hold her hand while you are talking to her to reassure her of your love and commitment to her and to the marriage.

Tell her how rejected it makes you feel when she shows no interest in sex. Ask her to tell you what she sees as the problem, Be prepared to accept that she may see the problem as you.

If this is the case, let her know you realize you are only human and therefore full of imperfections. Suggest going together to counseling.

You did not mention your ages or whether she has had any "female problems" or other health issues.

If she tells you she has no interest in sex or she is too tired all the time, tell her you are worried about her health and ask her to speak with her physician or gynecologist.

There are many reasons why women lose interest in sex. Today most physiological problems can be solved easily so offer to go with her to a physician.

Whatever you do, DO NOT get angry, criticize or say hurtful things to her which will increase any insecurity she already has, even if she gets angry and criticizes you.

Again, stress how much she means to you, how much you love her and want the relationship to work. Suggest you are feeling inadequate as a man and husband when she shuns your advances and need to know how you can make things better.

You sound like a loving, caring man.

Good luck,
Kelli Phelps

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Signs of Cheating Spouse Forum.