I'm the cheater, and i cant stop,its like an addiction

I'm the cheater, and i can't stop, it's like an addiction.

I am married for several years now to a very nice man and we have a child together.

I am no longer physically attracted to him since a while now, but he is truely my best friend and I love him for that.

Ever since we have been together I have been cheating on him, most affairs took at least 6 to 15 months.

It is like a drug for me and I hate myself for doing it but i cant seem to stop and im drowning

I can't talk to anyone about it....lately I have thoughts of wanting to kill my self, but i cant do that to my child, so i find myself a new lover and he makes me feel special again and beautiful for as long as it lasts it makes me feel good, but as soon as it ends i feel depressed end sad, over and over again.

My sexual relationship with my man is very very bad. It has actually always been like this. He is very selfish in bed, and beleives that oral sex is bad, he is only open for receiving oral sex.

Furthermore he finds forplay a waste of time, and has rarely surprised me on our anniversary or my birthday in the last 5 years...

All this beahvior I use to justify my cheating as an excuse to search for love & affection out there...

The scary part is how good i have become in lying and clearing up my tracks, I surprise myself even.

It has become so easy, I truly live a double life.
and i hate it.

It goes against all my principles and my religious education, but id rather feel good for a short moment than not feel at all.

What am i doing wrong? I dont have the courage to leave him (he told me he will not allow me to leave him, and will do whatever necessary to avoid this, im afraid he will become agressive or even worse)

Sometimes I think god is punishing me for something, but I dont see how to solve this.

I'm not even cheating for the sex, im cheating for the love & affection I miss , which makes me feel human.

Still I am so ashamed of it. It kills me from the inside, I try not to show the world around me, but I am changing because of this and not in a good way, and it makes me sad.

Please, help me understand and find a solution.

- A Hurt Cheater(ess)...