Trying to be faithful
(Knoxville, TN USA)
I have been married to my wife for almost 4 years, dating for almost 9. We have one child about to turn 3 and another child about to come out of the oven in about 2 months.
Our entire relationship has always been a roller coaster. She can be very controlling and verbally abusive.
I can be reserved with my feelings and sometimes just simply don't stand up for myself or ask for what I want.
So we've had lots of fights including those where she has thrown chairs, my guitars, or whatever was within reach often at me.
Hitting me, slapping me, kicking me, you get the idea. Her two boyfriends before me both cheated on her so anytime I'm talking to a woman I must be cheating.
I was caught talking to my ex-girlfriend which I admit looked REALLY bad and took full blame and responsibility for.
I really never did anything with her but the opportunity was there so I understand that anger.
That was 3 years ago around the time of the birth of our son and she still hasn't even come close to letting it go. She still says she wants to punch me in the face and that she wishes she had.
Like I said, I've not done well at standing up for myself (long family story to go here) so even when I was just dating her I didn't think that I loved her but that I didn't have the balls to stand up for myself and leave because I wasn't happy then.
Now here I sit years later, about to have a second child and I'm REALLY not happy.
Now, my neighbor who I've always had a crush on anyway, tells me that she likes me. She's married with three children (the youngest being two months old).
I know there are new relationship feelings (we have just barely talked about this, not even
close to acting on anything) and there is the grass is greener syndrome, but I feeling WAY more for this woman that I have ever felt for my wife.
I am able to talk to her where I can't talk to my wife. I have never been able to talk to my wife and I don't think that's her fault. I'm not blaming anything on my wife other than her abusive reactions.
I don't think a relationship is possible with the neighbor and I don't think she's even open to a secret relationship and I'm not really either.
I think she's just a little under appreciated at her house and I know I'm way under appreciated at mine which would make us good buddies but I don't think either of us want everything that comes with an affair.
Here's my question, should I be as scared out of my mind as I am that I feel this strongly about another woman?
I've had feelings about other women before, that's natural. I've had situations where I've had those feelings and could have been with another woman but these feelings are something completely different than I've ever felt.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't think about anything else. Obviously, since I'm writing this at work.
Anyone have any advice for me? I know eventually I'm going to have to be able to talk to wife about some of this.
We see a marriage counselor and I have individual counseling and I will be sharing this epiphany with that counselor.
I don't know if 2 months before child #2 is born is the time to drop the: Hey, I don't know if I ever really loved you bomb on my wife. Not if I don't want to be in the obit section of the local newspaper at least.
Try not to completely destroy me on here. I'm just looking for some honest help.