16 years later..And I'm Still Dealing With Her Infidelity

by JDB
(Shallotte, NC, USA)

OK, here goes. I met my wife whe she was 14 and I was 17. We dated for a couple of years before we got married and have been married for 23 years now. During the dating time, she cheated (IMO) by writing letters nd flirting with a guy at school that had a crush on her.

She pretty much opened the door for me to retaliate, so I did by sleeping with her best friend, which made me feel horrible. We reconciled and tried to start over.

I know this sounds strange from a couple so young, but it`s true. We went through the typical break ups like teens do but somehow felt attracted to each other and couldnt let go. She cheated three more times during this period when we were not seperated and I didnt find out about one of them until after we married.

Yes, they were sexual relations too, one of them in my own apartment while I was at work. I loved her and tried to dismiss them since we were married (which never should have happened). All seemed well for 8 years. My naievety was thinking marriage is a sacred, inviolate institution where cheating would never happen again.

Fast forward 8 years into the marriage. I married a petite, beautiful young woman who now weighs over 300 pounds. She put on a lot of weight, but it didnt affect my love for her. She became very self conscious about it though.

Sex became an issue. She didnt want it anymore and wasnt much I could do considering how her weight made it difficult. She went on a diet and lost over 150 pounds in 9 months. During this time other men became very interested. She became hateful to me.

We would go out dancing and I was told I embarassed her and couldnt get on the floor and dance with her, but she would dance with others. A few other things too...my compliments were no longer good enough but she loved the looks from other men. The real problems came when I got her a job with me on a local construction jobsite.

I had done all I could to compliment her by saying how good she looked, buying her gifts, etc. Already bragged to everyone about my wife and how much I loved her. She hadnt been there on the job but a month when it happened. She lied about helping a crippled family member (yes, she had one) saying she needed to stay overnight since the nurse couldnt.

She used that time to go out with a man she met on the jobsite. I found out 2 weeks later and the shit hit the fan. I went through the usual crap with her saying it was my fault. Without going into details, I will say she moved out against my will.

I wanted her to stay and work on things. We ended up seperated for 3 months. It was totally miserable seeing her on that jobsite and openly admitting to sexual relations with several of the guys. I sure felt like a fool and undescribable humiliation.

It was flaunted in my face by the her and a few others and one of the guys she was screwing. Most of the workers took my side of the situation but that didnt ease the pain I felt from having it rubbed in my nose constantly.

I filed for divorce a week after she left and emptied the house of all our belongings that I was the only one working to aquire in our previous 8 years.
Less than a week before the divorce became final, she came back begging to come home to me.

This was around the time I finally gave up on her and started dating. I still don`t know why I agreed unless it was my heart ruling my mind and the fact that I walked around in a fog for so long. I cancelled the divorce and let her come home.

There was lots of arguing and name calling during the "reconciliation" to be sure. Problem was she got pregnant within 2 weeks of coming home. She voluntarily admitted having seen the guy again one night while I was at work and having sex. The next 9 months were a damn nightmare waiting to see if it was mine or not. (Her doctor tried to convince me it was mine from the info she gave him, but I would have none of that).

Told her when we went in for her to give birth that she shouldnt bother coming home if it wasnt mine. Just keep driving past the driveway or I would do serious bodily harm if she tried to bring another mans baby to my house when I had begged her for years to have kids with me.

Thank God that it was mine. I knew my son as soon as I saw his face and knew he was mine. (Yes, it would be obvious if he werent mine considering who she was dating). We had another son 18 months later.

Fast forward to the present. It`s been almost 16 years since this happened. She still hasnt taken any responsibility for what happened, nor will she give any details other than to keep saying it was my fault when I did nothing.

No "I`m sorry", the real reason she did it, nothing. She just wants to say its in the past and I should forget and get over it. My response was to ask why a man that would stay with her at 300 pounds and still love her wasnt good enough to be with her when she was petite size. Still no answer.

I havent been able to heal from this after all this time. I will never trust her like I once did and I`m seriously losing my feelings for her. The lust I used to have for her is gone.

The biggest problem to finally realizing things will never change for the better and we will never be close again is the kids. I really dont want to hurt them by leaving. Im starting to feel its necessary. I`ve even had a stress relted heart attack last year and now have to take meds for that. Im not the happy go lucky guy I used to be.

I would eventually be leaving anyway, but would have been farther in the future if someone from my past hadn`t just dropped back into my life. She was a really close friend to me way back in time and she found me when invitations for a class reunion were sent out.

Turns out she has been dealing with a cheating husband and has recently divorced. I know it`s not the right thing to do, but she and I have talked and we are seriously interested in a future. No sex or even kissing has occured between us....yet. Im really torn between staying where I am because it`s the right thing to do, or trying to make a new relationship where the constant pain isnt slowly killing me. I know it will never change where Im at no matter what is done.

Any suggestions?

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