I am always thinking he is cheating on me, I want to Kill Myself!

by Valentino Pena
(Geneva NY)

I am always thinking he is cheating on me, When i'm at work or even if we are in the same room together and i ask myself "why would someone at 12am be texting him or Emailing him", he tells me "it's for work someone wants to buy a Car",and it's kinda hard to believe him because Who the F*ck Wants to buy a Car at 12am or later (he's a Car sales Man BTW). But anyways i just keep have thoughts, after thoughts about him Cheating and it making my face break out and weight go Down and up, feels like a Want to swallow a bottle of Vodka or Hell Sometimes i feel i want to Swallow a Bottle of pills and then the Vodka, it's like i'm diving in a pool of Deep Dark depression and i Can't Swim and theres No lifeguard around to hear your Calls of Help. I just hate it's Rottingness Feeling that's in me and i wish it can just go far away form my stomach and stay away. But i know i'm pulling Myself down and My Relationship is going with me. But i guess That's what i get for falling in love again, love can do Some stupid things to you, sometime it can make you a better person or make more F*cked up in the head! what should i do..... i mean D- is a Good Guy he trys to make me happy and he said "i want you but i don't want this" As in me Accusing him all the time and guys hate that!" But it's hard for me to let go of the past, as in.... i set up a fake ad on a sit call craigslist and he took the bait like a hungry Fish. he thought he was talking to someone els But really it was Me and he let me know a lot of things that i never wanted to know or i never thought he would say. (like meeting people around work, while working to have a sexual encounter) Yep.... the past is hard to let go of really hard and it's hard to go on... Not with life But with this Relationship. The thing i'm afraid about the most is me braking up with him and here he's never cheated since the time of the Ad i posted. i just know i'm pushing him away when that's the last thing i want to do to him because i do LOVE him Very Much.
i just would like for him to tell me that he Loves me everyday or show me in someway everyday that he loves me and really wants to be with me, not just when i want to leave him.
it's Very HARD LADYs , Just know you are not all alone on this one! hehe;)
Thanks for Reading
Much <3,

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