Looking for advice, I am not sure if this is the right place

by Ricky
(SouthEast USA)


If you wouldn't mind taking the time to read my email, I would be grateful.

Firstly, I am a man and I am also the extramarital lover of a married woman. To be honest, I care for her well being, even if she doesn't know what she is doing or feeling right now. I read the synopsis of your book, the stages of infidelity.

I have been involved within an affair for about 3 months. The history involved, is no more interesting than anyone else’s, but lately I am uncertain of how I feel being involved with such an ordeal.

I met her at her job in the summer of last year when I was moving away out of state. I briefly pursued her, due to her beauty and shared interest. Primarily, she avoided my attempts to meet her or call her, but eventually I learned why; because she was married. At that point I apologized to ensure I didn’t offend her and I moved away.

Over a half of year later, I receive an email from her asking how I am, and how she has been. To my surprise and relief, I didn’t offend her and we began talking a little at a time, and became friendly… even more so than before. In all of this suddenness, I accepted a job interview back in the city and state where I had lived before (where she lives), and I ended up seeing her in person and sparks flew. Needless to say, I also accepted the job offer, especially due to the economic situation at hand and moved back. 3 months later sparks are still flying every time we meet up, which due to her husband’s frequent long business trips is quite often. Even when he is in town, they seem to spend much time apart and doing separate things, but the question begins to press, “Where is this going?” and “Who will end this?” I know this isn’t a long term arrangement; it can’t be. I keep myself reminded often to not feel anything more for her than just sexual attraction.

I do not try to attempt to sound like a counselor or even the innocent factor in this equation. Due to the writing on this very website, I know she came to me because, I am younger, perhaps more fit or attractive in an affair type of way, and also I am fairly entertaining to her intimately and vice versa.

I also, won’t deny that I am extremely attracted to her, where it is obvious that I am. She is a beautiful, petite Asian American woman in her later 20s, with a near perfect physique and flattering bust. It personally confuses me from an outsider perspective, how

1. She and her husband don’t have sexual chemistry (allegedly, she told me)

2. How he cannot be concerned about the absence of sex.

I don’t look into her situation too much, or at least I try not to, because I don’t really want him or their marriage on my mind. I am holding a very careless role in this affair, and that is only for our pleasure and staying undetected.

Personally, I am not looking to be her replacement, and certainly not a reason for divorce, nor do I think she would ever do that. But, I am beginning to wonder how much longer this can last. I am not seeking a girlfriend because, well honestly, relationships have proved to be not as valuable as they are advertised to be, in my opinion of course. In my time, I have seen this type of scenario played over and over again. Just this time, I am involved with it. In an awkward way feel for her because it seems her marriage is unfulfilling, and I even feel for him, because I could only imagine how disappointing it would have to be to find out your wife has been cheating, right under one’s eye. Perhaps I feel bad for myself because I lacked the discipline to prevent this or even remove myself without asking advice from you.

Unlike most men maybe, I am not the type of guy that dates many women at once, I tend to focus my attention on 1-2 at a time, and truthfully I am only dealing with other women now, because I don’t want to be surprised and begin to develop more than lustful emotions for this woman mentioned, because all it does is spell trouble for all of us involved.

I will be lying if I said I want this to end, but I will also be foolish to say, I think this is healthy.

What can you make of this?

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