by The Complicated Gent
I know I was the last person you wanted to see this morning. I am sorry If i ruined it by being there.
you are right when you say that i wanted to see you, because my eyes do not lie, although my mouth has been discovered to hold untruths recent lately.
The only thing I have left is my heart shredded as it maybe. I have caused so much mayhem by my actions and I am so remorseful that the tears will not flow fully.
I know you have shed tears and your heart has ached, your mind and your heart battle to try and overcome
what has been thrust at you without any warning.
You are trying to make decisions about what is in your best interest, but still I try to overcome that with what may seem like empty promises of commitment and honesty.
Honesty is a word that probably should not be in my vocabulary right now, because i have been dishonest to you all.
Commitment is a strong word and when I used it nearly two years ago by asking you to marry me, I meant it. I did not honour that and by doing so I broke a fundamental rule.
I know we have had problems and I do not use them as any excuse for my indiscretions. We managed to work through some of them, however some remained unspoken and unresolved.
You state that you are unsure how sincere or how much my words really meant for all of them seems false although my actions with you seem genuine and you do not question my integrity there.
When I told you I loved you, it was never with a heavy heart my words were true, but how do you love someone when you are not being totally true to them.
I cannot answer that question, but I know that i did and still do. You gave me your heart to treasure and I have tarnished that with my behaviour.
I know that right now, it is hard for you to forgive me and hard to imagine that you could ever give that trust to me again.
I make a solemn oath to you that I shall never repeat the
same stupidness that I have done. That above all I realise that you are 'So Special', and I know within my heart and soul that I will never find another like you.
I have stated my case and I have pleaded my intentions. It is now left to you to decide our fate. You may feel you have plenty to lose by continuing this relationship, which seems false and based on lies, more than you have lost already, where i am concerned.
I respect the fact that you could move on, and as you say, give someone else a chance. I ask you not to.
My intentions of apologizing to your family is nothing more than what it is an apology. I do not seek there understanding, or use it as a tool to make myself feel better about what I have done.
I do not expect them to accept my apology, nor I expect them to welcome me with open arms. I know that right now I am despised for hurting the one they love most, to them this maybe unforgiveable and one which will never be forgotten.
I feel that I owe them, although they may feel they want nothing from me, especially when they have done nothing but be open with me.
I will take my medicine no matter how big the spoon and not complain of the bitter taste that will no doubt follow. The door maybe be slammed in my face and my presence may not be welcomed.
I expect hurtful words to follow or the even worse their silence. I am trying to face up to my actions.
I have some good qualities of which you know. I can be the person you thought I was and more.
I do promise to love you, treasure our relationship, allow no outside distractions, be faithful and above all be open, honest and communicate regardless.
All of these I should have done before I know, to little too late maybe ?. I ask no more than a trial, I know it will be hard and I accept that it will be a long road ahead, a road I will willing to trudge on my own, but one I would prefer to trudge with you .