Trying to be faithful

by J.D
(Knoxville, TN USA)

I have been married to my wife for almost 4 years, dating for almost 9. We have one child about to turn 3 and another child about to come out of the oven in about 2 months.

Our entire relationship has always been a roller coaster. She can be very controlling and verbally abusive.

I can be reserved with my feelings and sometimes just simply don't stand up for myself or ask for what I want.

So we've had lots of fights including those where she has thrown chairs, my guitars, or whatever was within reach often at me.

Hitting me, slapping me, kicking me, you get the idea. Her two boyfriends before me both cheated on her so anytime I'm talking to a woman I must be cheating.

I was caught talking to my ex-girlfriend which I admit looked REALLY bad and took full blame and responsibility for.

I really never did anything with her but the opportunity was there so I understand that anger.

That was 3 years ago around the time of the birth of our son and she still hasn't even come close to letting it go. She still says she wants to punch me in the face and that she wishes she had.

Like I said, I've not done well at standing up for myself (long family story to go here) so even when I was just dating her I didn't think that I loved her but that I didn't have the balls to stand up for myself and leave because I wasn't happy then.

Now here I sit years later, about to have a second child and I'm REALLY not happy.

Now, my neighbor who I've always had a crush on anyway, tells me that she likes me. She's married with three children (the youngest being two months old).

I know there are new relationship feelings (we have just barely talked about this, not even close to acting on anything) and there is the grass is greener syndrome, but I feeling WAY more for this woman that I have ever felt for my wife.

I am able to talk to her where I can't talk to my wife. I have never been able to talk to my wife and I don't think that's her fault. I'm not blaming anything on my wife other than her abusive reactions.

I don't think a relationship is possible with the neighbor and I don't think she's even open to a secret relationship and I'm not really either.

I think she's just a little under appreciated at her house and I know I'm way under appreciated at mine which would make us good buddies but I don't think either of us want everything that comes with an affair.

Here's my question, should I be as scared out of my mind as I am that I feel this strongly about another woman?

I've had feelings about other women before, that's natural. I've had situations where I've had those feelings and could have been with another woman but these feelings are something completely different than I've ever felt.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't think about anything else. Obviously, since I'm writing this at work.

Anyone have any advice for me? I know eventually I'm going to have to be able to talk to wife about some of this.

We see a marriage counselor and I have individual counseling and I will be sharing this epiphany with that counselor.

I don't know if 2 months before child #2 is born is the time to drop the: Hey, I don't know if I ever really loved you bomb on my wife. Not if I don't want to be in the obit section of the local newspaper at least.

Try not to completely destroy me on here. I'm just looking for some honest help.

Comments for Trying to be faithful

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It' wonderufl that you are reaching out for help!
by: Dana76

I'm afraid I can't offer you much in ways of advice but I can offer you support through a girls point of view on this.

My boyfriend and I have been in our serious relationship for 5 years now. He always made me believe that his life would be incomplete without me, regardless of the fact that I come with a lot of emotional baggage attached.

I've never in my life felt more like a princess. If I want something and he can't afford it, he will MAKE it for me! I was lead to believe I was his entire world and imagining us apart for any reason only was real in my infrequent nightmares.

He isn't the cheating type and in fact the thought of other people cheating on each other hurts him deeply.

Now to the point of why I am telling you this. Almost a month ago he went on his annual buddy camping trip (which I won't go to because there is drinking and I am a recovering acoholic).

He came home exhausted of course but also he was extremely distant. No cuddly hugs no constant "I love you"s. I was terrified.

And when the kids went to bed he told me why. He has met another girl that make him feel good about himself and made him feel no so lonely when all of his other buddies had their chicks with except him.

So they kissed. Yes, just kissed. The heartbreak is far deeper then him just sharing a kiss with another woman.

It ended up being a cruel EYE OPENER, a slap into reality. Where once thought we could possibly be soul mates What we have regardless of the fairy tale I THOUGHT we had, makes this relationship worth a second chance and ONLY a second chance.

My point in saying this is a point of many.
If you are desiring other people against your will, it isn't your fault. You have quite possibly fallen out of love without anyone having to do something "terribly wrong" first.

We are human feelings with human imperfect feelings. Our feelings and emotions should guide us not rule us. I say you are doing the right thing by attempting marriage counseling first.

If that doesn't help or make your desires to stray go away then perhaps you two aren't designed to be together for ever.

Under those circumstances it is unfair to both you and your wife to stay together because you feel you HAVE to.

If you continue to do so while resenting it deep down, you two will grow further apart and worse things will happen down the road.

And as I write these I too, need to take the same hard look at my relationship with this man who I believed to be my soul mate.

He says if I take me away from him, I am taking all that he lives for. It will take some major counseling and realistic thinking on my part to believe he won't do this to me again.

My heart goes out to you. My boyfriend, too, has turned to the internet to find out why he did it and how can he prevent it from happening again. That is a heartfelt task that you are doing and you deserve all the support you get.

Take Care, (sorry I wrote such a long reply)

Dana Nicole

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